i'm not alright....well really i am

love this song and just wanted to share the lyrics with ya'll

turn up the volume if you want to sing along

Sanctus Real - I'm Not Alright

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You
It leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
‘Cause honestly I’m not that strong

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You
It leads me to You

I’m not all right that’s why I need you

so i won't forget

my daughter is at that age, the magic age where she is still a little girl but at the same time is on the verge of womanhood. the SCARY age. the age where she thinks she knows it all and nothing at all...all at the same time. i think i'm the only mom in the ever-increasing blogging family that has teenagers so don't let this scare you, because its also a wonderful time. she's not quite at the mom doesn't know anything age, but its coming...i can feel it. i have always felt that God took all the best of me and her father and made her. i can just see so much perfection in her. not that she is perfect but i can see all the promise of a life on the verge of becoming all God has created her to be. i want her to always remember that she can be anything she wants to be.

she asked me the other day "mom why do i have to always work so hard for everything" i explained that God knows what she will need to grow into the person He wants her to be and for her that means she has to work hard for everything. everything meaning grades and sports. for her this is everything. i just love her questions. sometimes they are profound and sometimes just silly. they always make me think.

kids

just so ya'll won't think i'm perfect.

today (yes today) i forgot to take one of my kids to church. i left him at home. it was one of those situations where i thought he was with mark and mark thought he was with me. so mark was very sweet and went back to get him. crisis averted.

joy does come in the morning

sorry guys....didn't mean to overwhelm ya'll with my emotions the other night.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

the next day was awesome....it is true what the bible says that Joy comes in the morning. i cried most of the night and the next morning, but it was a healing cry. just what i always need when God reveals His amazing love for me. Some scriptures i've been pondering on ps 16:11 and ps 30:all.

thank you seph for your post. it was just what i needed to hear. i thought i was the only one that wondered why i just couldn't do it right. you know this christian thing. and then God reminds me through very real life things that its all about a relationship with Him. a real personal in-my-face relationship with Him. He reminds me through my relationships with my husband, children, friends and co-workers that it takes two to have a relationship. if me and my husband had no quality one-on-one time together we wouldn't have a very happy or fulfilling marriage. this is true for every relationship we have, especially our relationship with God. i haven't been spending the time needed to have this relationship with Him, my heavenly Father. i've been the one stepping out (so to speak) with my other lovers. i've been the one not showing up at our meeting place. He waits for me and i stand Him up. and then when i do show up its just to run down my to-do list of things for Him to do for me. i don't even ask if theres something i can do for Him. He is the creator of the universe and i'm treating Him like an employee. its a wonder He still loves me, but He does. and He loves me better than anyone has or ever will. and He takes all my crap because He knows i'm just a scared little girl that needs her daddy to fix everything. and fix it He does, not always how i want it fixed, but its fixed nonetheless. Thanks Dad, You're the best....so what do You need me to do?

learning to stand in a sit down world

i had the strangest thing happen to me at work today. the lady that i sit with at work came rushing in and started to log on to her computer. which is pretty normal she lives in a small town about 45 minutes away and is usually pushing it to get there at 7. now mind you we don't have a set time to be at work our time starts when we log on and then we have until 8pm to get our hours in. which is very nice. so anyways we are not officially working until we log on and she was having some trouble logging on so she hollars over the wall at our boss that she is here but has to reboot. then she leans over to me and says "its 7 o'clock, right?" i look at my computer and say no its 7:02. she looks me right in the eye and says "it's 7 o'clock, RIGHT?" and i say "NO! its 7:02". then she just looks at me funny and i say "listen if you want to say its 7 then just say its 7 but i don't want any part of it".

yeah i know its only 2 minutes but where does it end. my mind is thinking why would you jeopardize your job for 2 minutes. and if your willing to lie about 2 minutes what else will you lie about. well this little incident had me thinking all day long about honesty and integrity. some people have no problem saying a "little white lie" but is there truly such a thing. to me a lie is a lie. if you will lie to me about something little then you will have no problem lying to me about something big. maybe i still have some damage from my childhood that i need to work on. but just maybe we shouldn't lie....not even a little. not even 2 minutes worth.

maybe this has bothered me so much because i have been lied to. haven't we all had someone in our lives that would rather lie than tell the truth, even when the truth would be better. maybe this has bothered me so much because it just highlights the areas in my life that need some looking at. you know "those areas" the areas we all have that creep up from time to time. the areas of compromise in our lives that we can't quite seem to get rid of. oh i do good for a while and then before i know it i'm right back in the middle of it. why can't i just be done with it once and for all. but then i remember i'm human and that even though my spirit is strong my flesh is weak. so very, very weak. so then i turn once more to God and say "i can't do this on my own" and He says "well it's about time you came to your senses, come here and Daddy will make it all better. don't you know that's what I'm here for to take care of you and everything concerning you. don't you know its My delight to pursue you and lavish you with My love. why are you so scared of Me?" and then i realize thats it. i'm scared. so very scared of His love because so many times in the past i've been hurt. and i'm scared of the hurt and the pain and the lies. and then i think where did all this fear come from and i can't remember its been with me so long, almost my whole life. i get rid of it for a short time and then it comes back and grips my heart all over again. but i want to get rid of it forever. i want to live the life that God has planned for me, without fear, without remorse, without looking back and having regrets that i never truly lived.

my little princess kitty

every morning i go out on my back porch and feed my cats. and every morning my little princess kitty meows frantically for her food. and every morning i have to reach down and pick up my princess kitty and show her where her food is. i have never moved her food dish it has been in the same place for 4 years now. but still every morning the same routine.

do you think this is how God feels about us?

everyday we meow, cry, whine frantically for our food (the Word) and every morning God picks us up and shows us where our food (His Word) is.

Do you think He ever gets tired of us?

i never get tired of feeding my princess kitty and i'm sure God never gets tired of feeding us. How wonderful is our God. He not only saves us, but He provides for us. He makes sure we have just what we need, when we need it. we're the ones that think we can do it all on our own and want to be independant of Him. how dumb is that. forgive me God for taking You for granted. i don't mean to but i do it nonetheless. thank You for providing. my life would be hollow without You at the center.

sometimes i think funny thoughts

as i was leaving the grocery store today, all happy with all my bags of groceries, the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "cavemen are people too". well i thought to myself. i'm so glad i wasn't born a cavewomen. not only would i have to hunt for my food but then i would have to kill it and field dress it and then drag it back to my cave and cut it all up and then have to cook it to feed my hungry children. all 37 of them cause you know cavewomen didn't have birth control which opens a whole nuther train of thought. lets don't take that train, lets stay on the first train. food. well anyways thanks God for not making me a cavewomen. i really enjoy going to the HEB to buy my meat already cut up and ready to cook...sometimes they even put a little recipe on the package for you. i don't think wholly mammoths come with recipes.

depressed and a little scared

first the depressed part....i was so looking forward to my week of solitude with just my husband and me. well my husbands stupid boss made him go out of town on monday so it has just been me. all alone. so very alone. so i cried most of monday night. had it out with God. how could He do this to me, He knew how much i was looking forward to this week. well needless to say His plans are not always our plans. last night was pretty good i worked in the yard and fed my blog addiction. was too sad to write anything without crying on the keyboard. today has been a little better except when i took my last call of the day. when you guessed it it was a very angry customer. normally this doesn't bother me but i was already sad and the issue she had was totally avoidable. so all i could do was say how sorry i was and try to make it better. you just can't please everyone and this lady was not pleased.

oh well - on to the scary part of my evening.

my husband called me at 5:30 and asked me to do the most horrible and scary thing. can you even guess what that might be? well for me the most horrible and scary thing is to go into his shop. some friend of his needed to borrow a tool and of course i had to be the one to go in there and get it. and of course he scared me even worse when he said you better get the flashlight. well there is nothing worse than having to go into the shop with only a flashlight trying to find some stupid power hammer thingy. and of course it can't be out in the open it has to be under and behind everything else. so here i am digging in the dark with a flashlight in one hand, the phone balanced between my ear and shoulder so that he can give me directions. like that ever helps. he may quite possibly have to call 911 when something attacks me in the dark. because of course if something did attack me i would immediately drop the flashlight and take off running and screaming and maybe accidently stab myself with some piece of machinery he has just left laying about. so yes i was scared, but i did it. i got the power hammer thingy and nothing attacked me and i didn't stab myself. so it has turned out to be an alright day after all.

now i must go to church and repent for calling my husbands boss stupid. maybe i'll just call him a big meaner. is that better God?

constant state of unknowing

as i read thru everyones blogs it struck me that we are all in a constant state of unknowing. by this i mean that we all have situations in our lives that we can't do anything about. we have done all we can and now we are just waiting. we are unknowing if our house will sell, we are unknowing if our husbands will get better jobs and be able to come home, we are unknowing if our lives will ever be normal and free from the unknowing. thank goodness God knows and can give us peaceful hearts through the unknowing times in our lives. love you God.

laundry...part 2

had to share this because of the subject of my last blog. it is sunday night about 10:30 and i just put in my last load of laundry. you see the kids are going to camp tomorrow and in order to pack enough clothes to last 5 days i've had to make sure everything was clean. so the washer is washing and the dryer is drying and i have 3 suitcases lined up in a row waiting for the last few pieces of fresh laundry to make them complete. i love camp. 5 days of freedom. oh the joy. me and my husband all alone in the house. we can actually sit in total silence. for 5 days i will not hear sentences started with mom, madre, or auntie. don't get me wrong i love all my kiddos, but 5 whole days. its worth all the extra laundry.

i now know that my daughter is officially a teenager. you would not believe the amount of clothes this child has packed. as she adds more she just smiles and says just-in-case. i told her she could only take 1 suitcase so just-in-case better fit.

for all of ya'll wondering the hockey jersey has been washed. believe it or not its white again. j is an alternate for the junior world team. they take a total of 8 players for the team and they have 8 alternates. so the training has begun. he must learn all the plays and be ready if the need arises. last year they used all the alternates so there is a good chance of him playing. so say a little prayer.

laundry....does it ever end?

well i'm on my 2nd load of laundry today. and to my dismay when i went out to move loads i never put the 2nd load in the washer. the tub was full of water and soap but no clothes. its this stinkin' blog. i get so caught up in it that i neglect things. oh well the laundry will always be there...but my friends need me to read and comment on their blogs right now.

and to answer the question. no, laundry never ends. as soon as i finish there is always more. tonight i get the added bonus of sweaty stinky hockey gear. maybe jonathan will let me wash his lucky workout jersey. i am almost ashamed to admit this, but he has not allowed us to wash his workout jersey since november.....yes that's right november 2006. it smells wonderful. if you've never smelled a sweaty 14 year-old boy then you should smell one after they've worked out in a jersey that hasn't been washed in almost a year. it's a real treat.

hardball update

well my boys have been in ft smith arkansas all week playing in the hardball roller hockey national tournament. my husband coaches the freshman and junior team and plays on the adult team. they have done very good. this is their first year to play and compete in hardball so we were just hoping they wouldn't get spanked too hard at the tournament. well they ended up playing their little hearts out. the midget team took the gold, the freshman team took bronze, the junior team took fourth place and my husbands team took 2nd place in the bronze division. the other adult team took 3rd place in the gold division. the neat thing about the freshman team (both my boys play on this team) is that they were in a three way tie for 1st place. it came down to a 5 minute play-off game to determine 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. not too bad.

say a little prayer for the 14 year-old. he tried out for the junior world team and made the first cut. the final tryout will be tomorrow morning. we should know by 11am if he made the final cut. this would be such an awesome opportunity for him but we only want God's will.

as soon as my camera comes home i should have some photos to post.

wisdom, courage and cunning

these are the 3 things i need prayer for.

wisdom - so that i know what God is telling me to do

courage - to do what God is telling me to do

cunning - to walk thru the minefield of mental illness that has my sister in its grip.

if you've dealt with a loved one with a mental illness you know exactly what i'm talking about. the last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster around my house. my sister is here for a week long visit. she made it here with only a 12 hour delay which totally sidelined the 16-year old. so monday night about 10ish i have my niece hysterically crying, my sister on the phone hysterically crying, and me in the middle trying to make sense of it all. the buses were running late so my sister couldn't get on the bus until 10:30 the next day. but she made it here at about 5:30 tuesday evening. needless to say i could see Gods hand in all of it. i don't have the words to tell you of all the answered prayers i've seen in the last few days. that is for another day and another blog. the wonderfulness of God has left me speechless.

thank you God for taking care of things. help me to stay out of the way and to follow Your plan and not my own. help me to relax and trust You. because if You are on the throne of my heart, then You will bring all things into order.

psalm 23

birthday girl

well my baby is 14 today. it seems like just yesterday she was born, they grow up so fast. she is celebrating with a slumber party tonight. pray for me that i survive until morning.

colleen's birthday memories

woundings and cripplings

the below is from a daily email i receive from ransomed heart ministries. it ministered to me this morning and i wanted to pass it along. be blessed my sisters. we may be wounded and crippled but God wants to heal us and then use all of us for His Glory.


The battles God calls us to, the woundings and cripplings of soul and body we all receive, cannot simply be ascribed to our sin and foolishness, or even to the sin and foolishness of others. When Jesus and the disciples were on the road one day, they came upon a man who had been blind since birth. "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents?" they asked him. "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." And with that, Jesus spat on the ground, made some mud to place on the man's eyes, and healed him (John 9:1-7).

Many of us who are reading these words have not yet received God's healing. The display of God's works through our wounds, losses, and sufferings is yet to be revealed. And so, we groan and we wonder. (The Sacred Romance , 61)

do you ever have a thought or idea just take you by surprize?

well i had one this morning while i was driving to work.

i realized and this may sound funny to you, but i realized just how much i love my husband. love is just not a big enough word. i really looooovvvvveeeee my husband. i haven't allowed myself to feel this way about a man in so long it just catches me by surprise sometimes.

for those of you who don't know me very well let me elaborate before you think me an unfeeling person. when i was 20 years old i was widowed. i never realized until this morning that at that time i made a vow (unconsciously) that i would never love like that again. well i've broken the vow, because i love mark, not more, but definately better than i ever loved stephan. i hope this makes sense because it makes perfect sense in my mind. i know alot of ya'll have never had a relationship with anyone other than your husband and this is wonderful, but there are some of us out there that have had a whole different life before deciding to live for God. i am one of those. its real hard sometimes to not compartmentalize those parts of my life. it almost feels like that was a whole nuther life ago.

i welcome your comments. please tell me i'm not the only crazy one out there that thinks wierd thoughts and have strange flashes of how wonderful my life has turned out to be, even amidst the apparent chaos.

coolest aunt ever

i'm now the coolest aunt in the whole wide world. i thought i was just taking cliff to get a haircut but when he sat down he decided he wanted a mohawk. my hairdresser about feel down when i said sure why not....its only hair. so now we have mohawk boy. i tried to talk him into letting me bleach it, but he changed his mind once we got home. oh well maybe next month.

ode to clifford joe

ode to clifford joe

today is cliff's birthday and we celebrated with hot wings, chocolate cake and fireworks. in honor of his birthday i am including a poem written by his mom. i think it perfectly sums up the joys of raising a boy.

Ode to Clifford Joe

As I sit here alone

I wait on the dryer

I'm playing a game

And starting to tire.

What's that I smell?

Invading my lair

So pungent, so vile

Polluting my air.

I search left and right

I look high and low

That's when I see it

Right by my toe.

How could something so small

And from a boy so sweet

Provide indisputable proof

That he has rotten feet?

My cries of dismay

Cause my puppies to flock

Around the source of the odor

Clifford Joe's SOCK!