9 months

i should be giving birth any moment now.

on thursday i had a dr appt. actually i went in to interview a dr to see if he was gonna be who i wanted. something is happening to me the closer i get to the big 40. i am getting so bold when it comes to certain things. i am so tired of doctors who schedule appts every 15 minutes and then just want to write you a prescription. is it so wrong to want a dr to actually be a dr? to actually listen to you and try to figure out whats wrong with you and that sometimes you don't need a prescription. you might just need someone to tell you the hard things like you need to lose weight, quit smoking, drinking...etc. and no i don't smoke or drink, but i do need to lose weight. about 50 pounds but we will be happy with 40. so i now have a dr who acts like a dr.

the kids are doing great. we have started counseling and its going well so far. the kids like their drs and hopefully we can work through some of the issues. in the past 3 weeks we have had a total of 6 dr/dentist/eye appts for everyone (mom and dad included, dad needs bi-focals hehehehehe) and the next 2 weeks we will have a total of 10 more appts. i am being co-payed to death but freddie and moe have never had an eye exam and very few dental cleanings and even fewer dr visits. luckily freddie only had 1 cavity and moe has none. once we get everyone caught up it won't be so bad. oh and did i forget squirt is getting braces next month. we find out on monday how much this will cost us. thank God for insurance.

sister is doing good. i am learning when to push and when to lead. it is so weird realizing she is truly mentally ill. there are some things she will never be able to do. some normal day to day tasks totally stress her out or she just goes into a state of denial and conveniently 'forgets' to do them. its almost like having a 5th child. only this child is an adult and doesn't always want to be told what to do. so God is giving me the strength and courage to take responsibility and push/lead when i needs doing. come to think of it i've always been the responsible one. the one who always made sure everyone was taken care of. it's not such a bad thing. when it starts getting to me i realize that God is always responsible for me and i don't always have to do it all. the other morning my husband said the most remarkable thing 'control is an illusion'. how right he is. i am a bit of a control freak and those 4 little words have wandered thru my mind more than once this week. when i find myself getting anxious i just think of Who is really in control and the anxiety goes away.

honey, i've decided.....

my husbands eyes glazed over when he hears those 3 words. he has realized over the years that those 3 words could mean anything from lets do some major home remodeling to lets order pizza tonight. well my latest honey i've decided....is i want a tattoo for my 40th birthday this year. my birthday is in may so that gives me enough time to decide what i want.....oh i have a general idea but its not carved in stone, or should i say skin right now. in case you don't know i have 2 tattoos already and this 3rd one will be an addition to the one i have on my shoulder. i also know there are better things i could spend my money on but this is what i want to spend my money on. we will consider this my mid life crisis and once its done i can move on into old lady status. or maybe biker old lady with a tat status. yea that sounds better.

feelin' so fly

i'm madly in love with tobyMac's CD 'portable sound'. i can't stop listening to it. i know i'm gonna get sick of it eventually but until then i'm gonna enjoy the sounds.

can't help but glorify my Adonai. gotta testify.

the words are just so catchy. i find myself dancing in my seat at work.

this ain't no firedrill. it hits like holyfield.

my love affair with toby started many years ago, 11 to be exact when i was a baby christian and a friend gave me a cassette of DC Talk - Jesus freak.

people think i'm strange, does it make me a stranger
my Best Friend was born in a manger.

i didn't realize christian music could sound so good. i only associated christian music with music that i didn't want to listen to. you know slow and without passion.

here to rep the Most High with this one.

or so i thought, oh did God have a surprize for me. that one cassette opened my eyes to the realities of God. He wasn't just a God of hymns. He was a God who wanted to groove.

you'll never find peace in your pool of self

i do like slow songs but nothing moves me like a hard rockin' song like third day 'consuming fire'. these are drivin' songs. you know the kind you put in your vehicle, roll the windows down and drive really fast while singin' at the top of your lungs.

Yesterday was the day that I was alone
Now I'm in the presence of Almighty God

so thank you God for showing me so long ago and then reminding me almost everyday that you care about the music i listen to and You have given talented men and women a vision to rock out for You.

groundbreaker

this is a word that God has been whispering in my ear. groundbreaker. very softly and quietly. when i stop long enough to get still and ask Him what it means He whispers it again until i have to stop everything and focus so totally on Him that everything else fades away. He then explains. I am the groundbreaker for my family. i am the first person in my immediate family (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, grandparents and yes even great-grandparents) to serve God wholeheartedly. i am the groundbreaker. not that their salvation is my total responsibility they still have free will and will have to make this choice for themselves. it goes deeper into the very mindsets i was raised with. all christians are.....(you fill in the blank) anything but real people just trying to do the best they can. my family has gotten to watch me walk thru some very difficult situations and they have gotten to see God provide for me. as a result my brother and his wife are now serving the Lord. so i will gladly be the groundbreaker. i know there are some of you out there like me. you weren't raised to know God. in most cases you grew up in a home where the word God was just the start of a swear word. but there is hope. your family doesn't need to see your perfection but your fraility and humility. they don't need your scripture quoting skills at the sign of trouble, they need your scripture walking skills. that last sentence was a reminder to myself. this is a trap i have found myself in and i have realized all i can do is love them with hands, feet, and prayer.

a long and winding road

when i first accepted Jesus i never really gave much thought to what an actual walk with God was. what does it look like? how do you do it? how do you know this is real? i was so in love i was willing to go anywhere and do anything He asked me too. i am still in love but it has deepened and matured. i'm still making the same mistakes but i now have Someone to pick me up and dust me off and set me back on my feet again and give me a subtle push in the right direction.

some people throw the word hero in my direction, but i sure don't feel like one. is what i'm doing really that amazing? i don't feel amazing. i feel so unworthy and undeserving of anyones admiration. most days i feel that if i stop doggie-paddling i will drown. how can someone this pitiful be a hero? OK enough of this pity stuff.

God has taught me a valuable and precious lesson over the last 6 months. He has taken all the years of abuse and turned them around. He has given me the most amazing husband. i don't have the right words to describe the healing that has taken place in my heart and most of it was done through the love a good man. i wish i could go into more detail but its just not in me right now. sll i can say is GOd is so good.

is it over yet?

i dropped my sister and niece off at the shelter on monday. man was that hard. i try to be all tough on the outside but on the inside i'm all soft and gooey. it was just me and freddie standing there watching them disappear inside the salvation army. so very sad. they only had to stay a few nights but it was still hard. for the moment they are staying at a low cost motel until they can find a small house to rent. she got her first backpay disability check this week and it is burning a hole in her pocket. i can't really blame her she has had a rough 8 months living on her friends couch with nothing to call her own. i'm trying to step back and only overly concern myself with her mental health. as the oldest sister i have a tendency to want to take over and mother her but she is a grown women and needs to live her own live. as long as she is willing to live it.

i did take some time for me this week and read a whole book in two days. it was wonderful and decadent and i made myself not feel guilty. thanks cassandra for recommending my sisters keeper by jodi picoult, i never saw the end coming until it was on me and i was crying my eyes out.