i'm not sure how to start this so i'll just start
the whole reason i wanted to start a blog was so that i would have a place to vent to God; openly and honestly. a place where i could be totally me, totally real, naked and unashamed in my writing. i was not gonna share this place with anyone.....i was looking for a place to hide. well my friends found me, but my desire is to still be totally honest. so this is your warning do not read any further if you are looking for something light and happy.
my desire is to hide but God won't allow it. i have a pattern of getting hurt and then hiding, getting hurt again and then hiding again. so on and so forth. you get the picture.
im feeling overwhelmed today; overwhelmed to the point of paralysis.
on april 16 my little sister grabbed all the pills she could find; drove her car to a secluded area; took all the pills and walked out into the woods and lay down to die. after 12 hours the police found her. she is physically doing fine now but needless to say it has been a fight to get her diagnosed correctly. she has battled depression all her life. her first suicide attempt was at 11. we are now convinced she is bi-polar, but because she is indigent we can't seem to get a qualified psychatrist to look at her. we have thrown ourselves on the mercy of the state system. what a joke that is. and because of her stubborness and mental illness my sister refuses to check herself back into the hospital to get correctly diagnosed. her mind is stuck in the loop of "i can do this, i know whats wrong and i can handle it" for those of you dealing with anyone mentally ill you know what i mean. so in the meantime i am raising her 2 youngest children (16 and 12). no small chore due to the fact that my sister has raised them in a liberal lesbian home and my home is conservative christian. you can imagine the spiritual warfare going on around here. no wonder i'm overwhelmed. the enemy wants nothing less than for me to roll over and give up but he can't make me. God has proven Himself to me time and time again and i know all of this has a purpose......its just so painful. i'm realizing not for the first time that i have some control issues and God wants me to know He is in control. i can trust Him...completely. and i better start trusting Him or i'm gonna be the one checking myself in to rivercrest.
God i want You in control of all of this. i can't do it. everytime i try i fail and i know You are just standing there watching me, shaking Your head saying "is she ever gonna learn....am I not standing right here waiting to take it all, and yet she turns her back on Me like a spoiled child" i don't want to turn my back on You, i want to run into Your arms and have you tell me its gonna be alright....You're gonna take care of everything. You're gonna pick me up and hold me and be there everytime. So what's stopping me, nothing but my foolish pride and stubborn will.
so here i come running Lord...........................
my dear rw,
ReplyDeletei just want you to know that i am here for you whenever you need me. i will listen, or cry with you or whatever you need me to be for you. my thoughts are always with you and yours thinking and praying for you. i missed you yesterday. i hope you had a nice relaxing family day. maybe we can walk on tuesday and wednesday. hannah has softball tonight. i love you gal.
I am sorry for invading your space. I feel I need to tell you something that will hopefully uplift you. What you are doing is making such a huge difference. I know. My mom is bi-polar and like the children you are raising I was taken in by a conservative Christian family. I was not use to their way of life and heads clashed for awhile, but the truth is that I wanted to be like them. It took about a year after they took me in to become a christian and even then it took awhile to become accustomed to a moral lifestyle. Today, they are who I refer to as Mom and Dad and we are as close as ever. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWell, you could look at this one of two ways...you could consider me the one who ratted you out, or maybe...just maybe...God chose me to bring you out of your hiding place just as the police brought your sister out of hers. Totally different scenarios, I understand, but hiding none the less.
ReplyDeleteI love you, sweet friend, and I am here for you as you have been for me.