walkin' it out

thank you peeps for praying. i'm not going to say i've turned a corner with the 16 year-old but we have had some good days. i had a good talk with her mom on wednesday and some things that were up in the air are now cleared up. i was able to tell my sister in a non-confrontational way that she would never be able to move in with us. this is what they (my sis and her kids)have all been wanting but it is just impossible at this point. for those of ya'll who have never been to my house i live in a small (1100 sq ft) 3 bedroom 2 bath home. my sister would have to live on my couch. this would totally push me over the edge, not to mention my husband. who has been amazing through all this.

i just need ya'll to pray that my sister will do what she needs to do to get herself healthy and be able to provide a home for her family. until then they will be with us. i know ya'll have listened to alot of my whining, but it really hasn't been as bad as it could be. God has smoothed alot of rough places in my heart and made little things that used to bother me not so bothersome. i have and am still becoming a better person because of all this. i guess God really knows what He's doing. imagine that...love you God. can't believe i'm gonna say this, but keep it up.

baby steps

i'm starting to realize why God gives us babies to raise instead of teenagers. i can handle the 12 year old and the 14-year olds but the 16 year old is kickin' my butt. i need prayer, lots and lots of prayer. the enormity of the situation hits me and i am speechless.

beautiful disaster

if you listen to air 1 then you have heard this song. i love this song which is really wierd because the words are not that profound or even christian for that matter. the words and the music together just touch some deep place inside of me. i think its because the song was in the movie Georgia Rules. i wouldn't recommend this movie unless you are prepared to deal with some issues especially if you were abused as a child. The movie also has lots of cussing and deals with very mature subject matter. With that said this was the most real movie i have seen in a long time dealing with abuse. it was as if i was watching myself there on the big screen. it was a surreal experience....afterwords i just needed to not talk to anyone and have a good cry.

but thankfully Jesus has healed me from so much and i am so thankful that my past is no longer who i am. He has made me a new creation. Thank you Jesus for showing me the way home.



Chorus:
She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's given boys what they want
And tries to act nonchalant
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction

Perfect only in her imperfection
She's not a drama queen
She doesn't want to feel this way
Only 17 but tired

Chorus:
She would change everything, for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home

i did it! i did it!!!!

i got up this morning and went to the gym and swam laps. i was at one time very faithful to get up 3 to 4 mornings a week and go workout. well when we got into the heavy overtime at work the first thing i cut out was my morning workout. what a big mistake. just like every other woman on the planet, i battle with my weight. weight was never a problem to me until after i had my daughter and then it just seemed impossible to take the weight off. i had a brief 3 year victory where i took off about 50 pounds and stayed at my fighting weight of 150 for about 2 1/2 to 3 years. but then i got lazy about my eating and the weight just started creeping back on. so now i need to take off the same 50 pounds i lost all those years ago. i can't believe they found me. oh well such is life. ok you pounds your days are numbered...you're going down. you hear me...down. this is war!

pickin' my battles

as a new mom to a 16 year old girl i am truly learning to pick my battles. i am also realizing that i have misjudged my sister because of her lifestyle and mental illness. i have had the attitude that she is not a good parent. but in reality she has done what we all do as parents. her best. its so easy to judge and criticize other peoples parenting skills when we are on the outside of the situation. or in my case on the inside. i'm learning to use more mercy and grace when dealing with my children. i'm learning to lean on the Lord more and more. i'm learning to pray without ceasing even for the little things. God has answered so many seemingly small prayers in the last few days that it amazes me to think of them all. it makes me realize that to God i'm not small or less than or unworthy of His attention because isn't that what we all want.....some attention. even if we don't at first realize that we want it from God and we try to get it from other sources. He has a way, if we are walking after His will in our lives, of pulling us up short and redirecting us. God i so desire to be in Your way, under Your feet so to speak. i want so badly to be totally in Your presence at all times, but my flesh is weak. i've been out of Your will and its just miserable. but my desire is You.

mark 4:18-19

have you ever had a scripture just banging around in your mind?

well for the last 2 days i've had mark 4 swirling around in my head. it was there monday morning so being the obedient person that i am(lol) i read it and thought oh thats nice. then tuesday i'm listening to joyce meyers and shes preaching on mark 4. and this made me perk up a little. enough to read it again and think ok theres something there. well this morning there it is again. so i finally had to stop pull out the BIG bible, my comparative study bible and read it again in 4 translations before i finally realized God was trying to tell me something. i was especially amazed at verses 18 and 19. this is me. i have let the cares and anxieties of the world......choke and suffocate the Word (amplified). i will admit it i'm a worrier.

Hello my name is Rhonda and i'm a worry-a-holic.

for those of you worriers out there don't wish there was some kind group we could go to, well anyways. my worrying has gotten less and less over the years, especially since i found Jesus, but i still have the tendency to slip into the worry zone. especially when life isn't behaving the way i think it should. did i mention i also have control issues. well thats for another post.

with all that said, i'm still amazed God would love me enough to keep hitting me with the same scripture over and over in so many different ways and that He truly cares. He doesn't want me to worry, He wants me to cast my care on Him. but then i get stuck trying to figure out how and then i realize its not some big secret. you just do it...you just call on Him everytime the worry hits and just give it to Him, over and over and over again if thats what it takes. and He takes it everytime.....thank you Jesus for saving me, thank you for loving and setting me free. thank you for caring so much about me that You don't want me to stay the same old rhonda You want to transform me and make me over in Your image. and to do this You allow trials into my life. help me to see each new challenge as a way to be more like You and instead of worrying to ask myself "what is God up to in all this?"

honesty

i'm not sure how to start this so i'll just start

the whole reason i wanted to start a blog was so that i would have a place to vent to God; openly and honestly. a place where i could be totally me, totally real, naked and unashamed in my writing. i was not gonna share this place with anyone.....i was looking for a place to hide. well my friends found me, but my desire is to still be totally honest. so this is your warning do not read any further if you are looking for something light and happy.

my desire is to hide but God won't allow it. i have a pattern of getting hurt and then hiding, getting hurt again and then hiding again. so on and so forth. you get the picture.

im feeling overwhelmed today; overwhelmed to the point of paralysis.

on april 16 my little sister grabbed all the pills she could find; drove her car to a secluded area; took all the pills and walked out into the woods and lay down to die. after 12 hours the police found her. she is physically doing fine now but needless to say it has been a fight to get her diagnosed correctly. she has battled depression all her life. her first suicide attempt was at 11. we are now convinced she is bi-polar, but because she is indigent we can't seem to get a qualified psychatrist to look at her. we have thrown ourselves on the mercy of the state system. what a joke that is. and because of her stubborness and mental illness my sister refuses to check herself back into the hospital to get correctly diagnosed. her mind is stuck in the loop of "i can do this, i know whats wrong and i can handle it" for those of you dealing with anyone mentally ill you know what i mean. so in the meantime i am raising her 2 youngest children (16 and 12). no small chore due to the fact that my sister has raised them in a liberal lesbian home and my home is conservative christian. you can imagine the spiritual warfare going on around here. no wonder i'm overwhelmed. the enemy wants nothing less than for me to roll over and give up but he can't make me. God has proven Himself to me time and time again and i know all of this has a purpose......its just so painful. i'm realizing not for the first time that i have some control issues and God wants me to know He is in control. i can trust Him...completely. and i better start trusting Him or i'm gonna be the one checking myself in to rivercrest.

God i want You in control of all of this. i can't do it. everytime i try i fail and i know You are just standing there watching me, shaking Your head saying "is she ever gonna learn....am I not standing right here waiting to take it all, and yet she turns her back on Me like a spoiled child" i don't want to turn my back on You, i want to run into Your arms and have you tell me its gonna be alright....You're gonna take care of everything. You're gonna pick me up and hold me and be there everytime. So what's stopping me, nothing but my foolish pride and stubborn will.

so here i come running Lord...........................

privacy.....

or the fact that i no longer have any. i can't even go to the bathroom by myself much less post anything without 3 sets of eyes watching me and trying to read over my shoulder. sheesh

anyways

i know someday i will miss all the activity and noise and the constant talking and questions.
i'm not a very touchy person so it is almost torture to have the kids always touching me and hanging on me. i know God is working something out here, why else would he give me more kids. He knows i was perfectly content with my life. which is probably why He did it. He knows whats best and to be perfectly honest i can't imagine my life without the extra kids and extra noise and extra laughter and extra love.

i'm so glad God can take all my mess and turn it into something to glorify Him. help me learn quick Lord.

choices

i was talking to a good friend of mine last night and she was amazed that my grocery bills haven't gone sky high since i now have 2 extra kids that are big eaters. i explained that they have stayed about the same because its all in the choices i make at the grocery store.

isn't that life....its all about the choices we make.

this one little phrase just got my mind to working.

our whole life is all about the choices we make. we want to lose weight but are we making the right food choices. we want to be secure financially but are we making the right money choices. we want to be close to God but are we making the choice to spend time with Him and listen to His leading and direction. and then when He tells us to do something do we choose to do it. do we rationalize and justify our bad choices and then get angry when things don't work out our way. or do we keep making the same poor choice over and over and wonder why our life is miserable.

Lord...help me to remember to choose You and Your ways each and everyday, help me to remember i am Yours and You are mine and that everyone is Your creation. No one is greater or less than who You created them to be. help me to make those good choices and to forgive myself when i make a bad one.

blessed quiet

I love my husband

he seems to know just when i need some alone time

he has taken all the kids away so that i can enjoy some peace and quiet

i love you honey!!!!!!