ponderings

i'm in a thoughtful mood this morning so beware i don't know what direction this blog will go or where it will end. remember you've been warned.

my work was in the news again this week. more layoffs. this brings the total up to 76 plus 8 that were not announced to the news media. so we are looking at 84 people that will be losing their jobs. oh and i almost forgot my office is offering voluntary packages to 6 people. these 6 will not be forced so i will not include them in my total head count. these 84 people have many options. one of those options is to bump me out of my job. since i am 44 from the bottom there is a very good chance by christmas i will be out the door. which causes me to consider my options. will i be sad if i lose my job. not really. i like what i do but i no longer believe in the company i work for. over the last few years. well to be honest since gte was "bought out" by bell atlantic and renamed verizon (they told everyone it was a merger but lets be honest it was a buy out) the company has lost something. they used to care about its people and about the quality of work. now it has become very apparent that all they care about is the bottom line. i'm not just talking about the layoffs there are other areas that for privacy reasons i can't talk about but the whole direction of the company is different. it has become a company i don't want to work for, a company that i no longer believe in, a company that i no longer have pride in and that makes me sad. i spend 40 hours a week at my job and i want my time and energy to count for something. i want to make a difference. i know i can still have pride and make a difference and this is my goal everyday to do the best and go the extra mile for every account i touch. every phone number is not just a number its a real person who deserves to be treated with respect and integrity. but they make it so hard, if you've never been in this situation its hard for me to describe the atmosphere in my office. everyone is just waiting for the announcement that they are closing our office and moving it to the east coast (bell atlantic territority). morale is very low and its so hard to not let it affect you. so this leads me to ask myself "why stay". believe me i ask myself this question several times a day. so why should i stay. i keep coming back to a free college education, good pay, and benefits. this is the only thing that keeps me there. if i hang on till december i will have 24 college hours and be completely debt free except for our house payment. if i can hang on for 6 months longer (summer 2009) i will have our house paid off and 36 college hours. this will enable us to live comfortably on marks salary until i figure out what i want to do with my life.

this is the next pondering moment.

what do i want to do with the rest of my life?

i don't know. i've always just worked at whatever job i found myself in. i have never had the luxury of really sitting back and thinking about what i truly want to do with my life. other than the obvious job of raising my kids. i ask myself the question "if i could do anything what would it be" and i answer back "i don't know". i am rather envious of those people who just know what they want and go for it without hesitation or a second thought. this has never been me. i know what my likes and dislikes are and what my strengths and weaknesses are so i will just pray that over the next months God will show me what i'm suppose to do when i grow up. until then i will keep my eye focused on God and do this job for His glory because that's what He has called me to do and i never want to forget His will is way more important than mine.