why i blog

when my big granny died it fell on my brother and i to take care of the funeral arrangements and her belongings. all my life i watched this grandmother write in her diary. every morning and evening she would sit at the dining room table and write in her diary. i, being the noisy child, would always ask her "what ya writing" she would always reply "my life story". so you can see how this would be the only thing i would ever want from my grandmother. i would daydream about all the adventures and stories chronicled in this amazing book called a diary. i couldn't wait for the day when i would get to read this holy book. so with her passing came that day. i would finally get to sit down and read all her secret hopes and desires, all the funny stories of my mom and later us grandchildren growing up. her and my grandfather's travels to iceland and chile. you are probably by now asking yourself, why didn't you just ask your grandmother while she was alive about all this. well my grandmother was a very hard woman. this is my mom's mom and she really never wanted children or ever had the patience for children. i don't remember receiving any love from this grandmother but love is what i craved from her. and through her diary i was hoping for some secret window into her soul. that maybe she really did love us but just couldn't show it but could write it all out for us to read someday. so the day had come, i had the diaries and couldn't wait to read them. you can imagine my disappointment when i opened the first one and didn't find any stories or adventures or love. all i found was a laundry list of her day. no secret treasures, no hearts desires, no unspoken love. just mindless words of how the mailman ran late today and how the price of eggs had gone up. this was her life? this was what she spend hours and hours writing? why? why bother? so that day i determined in my heart i would not become like her. i would tell my stories and love my family and friends. on that day i started a box for squirt that i keep in my closet. it is full of letters that i have written to her over the years and that i continue to write to her. someday i will give it to her and we will read the letters together and remember what God has brought us through. someday she will have this blog and all my ramblings and she will look back and know i loved her and wanted to share my life with her and that she was a wanted child. God showed me through this process of grieving for my big granny that the only way to break a generational curse is not only through prayer but it is through the choices we make everyday. we have to look that curse in the eye and make the choices everyday to break it. when we feel ourselves sliding into those old family mindsets we must make the consciences effort to do what God has told us to do. when i feel i'm closing in on myself i must hug and kiss my children and tell them "i love you". i must pick up the phone and call my family and remind them i'm still here and out-of-sight is not out-of-mind. i must remember my friends, my peeps, that God has blessed me with and say to them i love you and lets do lunch or go for a walk or just sit together and talk. is this hard for me? yes at times this is almost physically painful, it is my flesh dying and my flesh doesn't want to die. but my heart wants to please God and this is what He requires of me.

Awaken what's inside of me

tune my heart to all You are in me

even though You're here, God come

and may the vision of You be the death of me

and even though You've given everything

Jesus come