remembering stephan

19 years ago today i lost my first husband in a horrible accident. it's so funny how we say "lost". he wasn't really lost i knew exactly where he was, but he was lost to me. the day started out just like any other. who knew that by the end of the day i would be a widow. there are parts of that day i will never forget and parts of that day i can't remember. i do remember one minute being perfectly happy and the next minute my whole world crashing in around me. my mind just couldn't wrap around the fact of what was going on. i was lucky in the fact that he was coherent and couldn't stop talking to me. for what seemed like hours but in reality was only about 30 minutes i laid beside my husband as he bled to death from an accidental gun shot wound. all he wanted was for me to hold him. so i did. i laid down in the grass and held him one last time. he knew the ambulance wouldn't get there in time. its strange watching someone you love die. watching the color drain from their eyes. literally the blue drained from his eyes. but he talked and talked and talked. nothing profound just that wanting to know that i was there and listening one last time.