the big 4 - oh

as some of you know i turned the big 40 on thursday. i had alot of people ask me if it bothered me turning 40 and to be honest i would have to say no. i thought it would bother me more than it did but it really didn't. if anything it has made me more introspective. it has made me stop and think about who i am and who do i want to be. i have realized that turning 40 is not the end of the world and in alot of ways its just the beginning. i have just enough time under my belt to realize that alot of things i thought mattered really don't and now that i realize they don't really matter i can stop it and do what really does matter.

God has been putting some very interesting reading in my path lately. some it is His word (go figure) and some of it is thru magazines and books. the magazine article that really got me to thinking was about a mother of teenagers (go figure, again) that felt she had become a thing to her children, a means to an end, a maid/taxi driver/atm/cook/whatever they needed her to be but not who she really was, their mother. she also realized she was getting a bad attitude and didn't want her children to remember her as this bitter, resentful mom, but as the mom that gladly did for her children because she loved them. i don't want to be this bitter resentful mom that at times i feel i am becoming. i know there is a fine line between being a giver and being taken for granted. every person should have healthy boundaries in place so that they aren't everyone's doormat and i don't believe we have been called to cater to our childrens every beck and call. we must teach them personal responsibility, but we must also show them unconditional love and that if anything we are always on their side even if that means being tough.

so God has been working on me. He has really got me examining who i perceive myself to be and how that matches up to His reality of who i am. He keeps telling me that its ok to be me, i don't have to be everyone else. i can have my own opinion and not apoligize for it. its ok to like or not like what everyone else likes. the people who love me love me for me not for what i can do for them or be for them. this has been a big struggle for me. i feel this need to conform to those around me. pastor said something several months ago that really got me to thinking. he said that everyone is moving at a different pace and its ok to move at your own pace. for the last year God has definately moved me at a different pace and gotten me out of my comfort zone. in alot of ways my kids have taught me things i didn't know i needed to learn. they have challenged me in areas that i wouldn't challenge myself. they have caused me to examine who i am and who i am becoming. they have made me a better person in spite of myself. they have kept me on my face before God and have caved in my heart with their trials and growing pains. they have made me who i am today and for that i am truly thankful.