sunday nights

sunday nights have always been hard on me. i can't really put it into words but dread sometimes creeps up on me on sunday night. when i was young this was the night my dad would bring us home and every mile closer to home would be another mile farther away from my dad. don't get me wrong i loved living with my mom but i also loved being with my dad. he was not a perfect dad. well actually he was an abusive dad, but the abuse was very sneaky. if you would have asked me as a young child if my dad abused me i would've said no. i didn't see it as abuse i only knew it as love. when a child knows no other way they can't say or see it as wrong, until someone tells them its wrong they don't know. deep inside i knew it was wrong but deep inside i couldn't believe my dad would hurt me. so i buried it. so deep no one not even i knew it was there. on a conscience level anyways, you always know its there subconsciencely. the abuse started very young and ended when i was 10 so it was easy for me to bury it and keep it buried. the abuse was not an everyday thing and since my parents separated when i was 3 and divorced when i was 4 my father lost access to me on a daily basis. also my family is big on denial so no one was going to pry or admit that maybe something wasn't right. even though now that i'm older i've spoken with other older female family members with simular stories involving my dad and my grandfather. at the time they were not able or willing to come forward and admit that there was abuse. and i can't fault them we were all on self-preservation made growing up. after the abuse stopped my demeanor and personality reverted back to normal so there was no reason to worry. yeah right. it has been a long hard battle and somedays are better than others but i now realize that this abuse no longer defines me as a person. i know that God has healed me and loves me completely and totally without reservation. i know that it was God that was there with me before, during, and after the abuse. i know that He loves me without perversion as a true Father would. that has been the hardest thing to accept that God loves me in spite of all the bad, but He does. God has also given me the strength to forgive my dad. do i have a relationship with him? no. but that may come in time. i'm not willing to completely shut the door on him, but i have set some boundaries. unfortunately because of his proclivities he will never have a relationship with his grandchildren. this is sad to me because he was a very fun dad. maybe in the days to come i will post some of the fun things my dad would do. like let us paint his face and dress him up and walk to the store. or if we ever asked what something was and he didn't know he would just make something up. it was always almost believable and always funny.

Thank you God for not giving up on me and loving me through it all. and now that i have You when that sunday night dread comes i know to ask You to take it away. it may be through a song, a sermon, or just one of Your people but you always take it away and for this i am thankful.