He knows

last weekend was our yearly church women's retreat and was it ever good. 


God did such a deep work in so many hearts and reminded us all of how much He truly loves us and is always there.


at the retreat they always break us up into small discussion groups after each session.  this is always done randomly and you stick with the same group after each session.  it was amazing to me (and it really shouldn't be) that God knew exactly what I needed. 


I lead a weekly women's life group at our church and was truly blessed to have 6 of my 8 ladies able to come to the retreat.  what I didn't realize until I was sitting in my retreat small group was how thankful I was to NOT have any of my life group ladies in my small group.  don't get me wrong I love sharing life with my ladies but there are times when you just need to be a part of the group and not leading the group. 


God knew, He always knows and yet it still surprises me when He shows me even a small kindness.

she is me, i am her

every Tuesday night my lady friends come over and we eat and talk about Jesus and share life together.  I have no words for how much I love and need each and everyone of these ladies.  they are funny, quirky, serious, thoughtful, and lovely. 


last night a new lady joined our group and I realized this morning she is me and I am her.  you see she is new, she has never gone to church, she has finally realized after all these years and much loss and pain and joy and happiness that she cannot live without Jesus and she wants to do life with my small group. 


18 years ago I was this woman.  after much loss and pain and joy and happiness I realized i needed Jesus. I couldn't live without Him.


she is hungry so very very hungry for Jesus.  she can't live without Him.

missing

I've missed you bloggy

that is all for now

missionary girl

I can't believe it has been 2 years since I have posted.

not sure why I've been silent this long.

first and foremost this blog has always been my way to somehow document the simple events of my life.  my thoughts and feelings and insights. 

my last post was about my daughter so let me make this first post back about her.

my beautiful daughter is currently serving her first long term mission in the Philippines. 

I cannot describe how hard it was to leave her at the airport knowing I won't see her for the next 7 months.  if something happens I can't get to her....she is totally on her own.  she is so incredibly brave and I am so incredibly proud. 

momma was right

as much as i hate to admit that, but my momma was right about a lot of things.  right now she is right about how hard it is to let your children transition from childhood to adulthood.   

colleen had a terrible, rotten, no good horrible day on tuesday and there was nothing i could do about it. 

let me rephrase that - i could have done the wrong thing and jumped in and made it all better for the moment but then she wouldn't have learned anything. 

i have to admit. i'm having a hard time with this. this letting go and letting her make her own decisions. but i have to let her succeed and fail and the only way to do that is to let her go.

big sigh

the quilting bee

every wednesday i go to a quilting bee at my local quilters guild.  i know it sounds so old fashioned but it is such good therapy.  i absolutely love it and even turned down a promotion at my job because i would have to give up my wednesdays at the guild.  i need these ladies and i feel sure they need me.  you see i am the baby of the group.  i'm 43 and i am the youngest member by 15 years.  the next youngest member is in her late 50's and our oldest member is 93.

when i joined the guild last year i was expecting to encounter all this wisdom and knowledge and grandmotherly love.  i expected these ladies to be founts of grace learned from a lifetime of trials and hardships and laughter and child rearing.  i expected to sit at their feet and glean from them everything i need to age gracefully.  i did find this but i also found that women are women no matter where you are or how old you are.

to a small degree i have found insecurities, pettiness, jealousy's, hurt feelings, loneliness, and greed.  how could this be.  how could these women not be everything i wanted them to be.  how could these ladies not have it all figured out by now.  i so wanted them to have all the answers but sadly they don't and they never will.    

to a bigger degree i have found love and acceptance for just who i am.  i have found ladies who love to laugh, tell jokes and argue about politics and the state of the world today.  i have found a community.  a community of women who still care and want what they do to matter.  they take pride in the work of their hands and love sharing that gift with others.  at 43 i have found a place where i belong. 

peaceful easy feeling

since last Sunday i have had this peaceful easy feeling.  yes i know thats an eagles song and i love me some eagles.   their words just perfectly describe what i'm feeling right now.  i am still exhausted from the women's retreat but its a physical exhaustion and not a mental one.  normally i feel completely rung out after retreat but this year was different.  not sure why and i'm not gonna question it too much.  i'm just gonna enjoy this peace and thank God for all he did in my heart and the hearts of my sisters this past weekend. 

and then there were two

i knew this day would come but i wasn't prepared for the suddenness of it.  as of last night cliff is back with his mom.  the nephew that i have loving raised for 4 years is no longer in my home.  i will still see him but its not the same.  how do you suddenly switch gears? 

some may not agree with our decision but to be honest there is no compelling reason to not let him go.  my sister is as stable as she will ever be and finally at a place where it will just be her and him.  he craves his mother's attention and affection and i pray she will be able to give him what he needs. 

but in the meantime i will pray for my heart to heal and for his questions to be answered.