feelin' so fly

i'm madly in love with tobyMac's CD 'portable sound'. i can't stop listening to it. i know i'm gonna get sick of it eventually but until then i'm gonna enjoy the sounds.

can't help but glorify my Adonai. gotta testify.

the words are just so catchy. i find myself dancing in my seat at work.

this ain't no firedrill. it hits like holyfield.

my love affair with toby started many years ago, 11 to be exact when i was a baby christian and a friend gave me a cassette of DC Talk - Jesus freak.

people think i'm strange, does it make me a stranger
my Best Friend was born in a manger.

i didn't realize christian music could sound so good. i only associated christian music with music that i didn't want to listen to. you know slow and without passion.

here to rep the Most High with this one.

or so i thought, oh did God have a surprize for me. that one cassette opened my eyes to the realities of God. He wasn't just a God of hymns. He was a God who wanted to groove.

you'll never find peace in your pool of self

i do like slow songs but nothing moves me like a hard rockin' song like third day 'consuming fire'. these are drivin' songs. you know the kind you put in your vehicle, roll the windows down and drive really fast while singin' at the top of your lungs.

Yesterday was the day that I was alone
Now I'm in the presence of Almighty God

so thank you God for showing me so long ago and then reminding me almost everyday that you care about the music i listen to and You have given talented men and women a vision to rock out for You.

groundbreaker

this is a word that God has been whispering in my ear. groundbreaker. very softly and quietly. when i stop long enough to get still and ask Him what it means He whispers it again until i have to stop everything and focus so totally on Him that everything else fades away. He then explains. I am the groundbreaker for my family. i am the first person in my immediate family (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, grandparents and yes even great-grandparents) to serve God wholeheartedly. i am the groundbreaker. not that their salvation is my total responsibility they still have free will and will have to make this choice for themselves. it goes deeper into the very mindsets i was raised with. all christians are.....(you fill in the blank) anything but real people just trying to do the best they can. my family has gotten to watch me walk thru some very difficult situations and they have gotten to see God provide for me. as a result my brother and his wife are now serving the Lord. so i will gladly be the groundbreaker. i know there are some of you out there like me. you weren't raised to know God. in most cases you grew up in a home where the word God was just the start of a swear word. but there is hope. your family doesn't need to see your perfection but your fraility and humility. they don't need your scripture quoting skills at the sign of trouble, they need your scripture walking skills. that last sentence was a reminder to myself. this is a trap i have found myself in and i have realized all i can do is love them with hands, feet, and prayer.

a long and winding road

when i first accepted Jesus i never really gave much thought to what an actual walk with God was. what does it look like? how do you do it? how do you know this is real? i was so in love i was willing to go anywhere and do anything He asked me too. i am still in love but it has deepened and matured. i'm still making the same mistakes but i now have Someone to pick me up and dust me off and set me back on my feet again and give me a subtle push in the right direction.

some people throw the word hero in my direction, but i sure don't feel like one. is what i'm doing really that amazing? i don't feel amazing. i feel so unworthy and undeserving of anyones admiration. most days i feel that if i stop doggie-paddling i will drown. how can someone this pitiful be a hero? OK enough of this pity stuff.

God has taught me a valuable and precious lesson over the last 6 months. He has taken all the years of abuse and turned them around. He has given me the most amazing husband. i don't have the right words to describe the healing that has taken place in my heart and most of it was done through the love a good man. i wish i could go into more detail but its just not in me right now. sll i can say is GOd is so good.

is it over yet?

i dropped my sister and niece off at the shelter on monday. man was that hard. i try to be all tough on the outside but on the inside i'm all soft and gooey. it was just me and freddie standing there watching them disappear inside the salvation army. so very sad. they only had to stay a few nights but it was still hard. for the moment they are staying at a low cost motel until they can find a small house to rent. she got her first backpay disability check this week and it is burning a hole in her pocket. i can't really blame her she has had a rough 8 months living on her friends couch with nothing to call her own. i'm trying to step back and only overly concern myself with her mental health. as the oldest sister i have a tendency to want to take over and mother her but she is a grown women and needs to live her own live. as long as she is willing to live it.

i did take some time for me this week and read a whole book in two days. it was wonderful and decadent and i made myself not feel guilty. thanks cassandra for recommending my sisters keeper by jodi picoult, i never saw the end coming until it was on me and i was crying my eyes out.

stuff

we have had a sickness running through our house. it has gotten 4 of us and the other 4 are wondering who will get it next. its just a 24 hour stomach bug but none of the remaining survivors want it. it been kind of a lottery of sorts.


i was having a conversation with a friend about buying squirt some new jeans. she asked if she wanted designer jeans and i said oh no she doesn't care just as long as she has some jeans. well i was wrong. i took her down to our favorite resale shop and pulled several jeans off the rack and you should have heard her squeal when the lucky jeans fit and were in our price range. she was beside herself with joy. who knew. i have gotten spoiled because she has to wear a uniform to school and she has been growing so fast that i just don't buy her alot of normal clothes. so a word to the wise - teenage girls like designer clothes, who knew.


college is going good. i have finished my orientation course and i'm getting started on my first real class - basic college math. it seemed a pretty safe class to take first. the first chapter is whole numbers. how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide. i think i can remember that but the second chapter is on fractions. it has been roughly 29 years since i have had junior high math. my 14 year old will be able to teach me the fraction part. she is actually chomping at the bit to teach me fractions. i know i'm sad. i'm almost 40 and can't remember fractions. i know just enough to double a recipe. so very very sad.



we have a sickness lottery winner. Dad is the lucky one. 5 down 3 to go.



my sister and oldest niece will be leaving in the next few days so my house will get back to normal....well as normal as it ever is.

pray for mary

pray for my friend mary. tomorrow is her last day of work and she is very sad. she is the last one to leave from the forced layoff and she will need all the strength God can give her for tomorrow and the coming days. as she was leaving today she was having a hard time not crying and she already informed us she would probably cry all day tomorrow. so it will be a sad sad day. some of us are taking her out to lunch tomorrow so hopefully this will help.

8 months

well close enough to 8 months....only 3 days early. my life is fixin to get real busy so i'm posting it now since the posts from now on maybe few and far between.

i officially start college today.....big gulp. i have to do an orientation course first and then my first offical class starts on dec 28th....double big gulp. i don't know if i'm ready for this but i have to try.

my sister has been approved for disability...which is a miracle. this also means the kids qualify for benefits so we will be getting a check every month to help with food, clothes, and all the hundreds of things growing kids need. Praise God!!!!

my sister will be here on monday and then we get to tell the kids the happy news that she will be moving to town. just pray this will work out. all the adults agree we will keep the kids indefinately. mark has put his foot down and told all parties involved that freddie will live with us until she graduates from high school. she graduates in 2009. she will not like this decision but she has been bounced around so much from place to place and school to school. she told me the other day that she has moved 25 times in the last 10 years. we will set up visitation with my sister so they will be getting to spend nights and weekends with her on a regular basis once she has a permanant address. for right now she will stay in a shelter until housing becomes available. not a perfect solution but workable. pray for us that we will continually have the mind of Christ with the raising of all our children.

its a girl and a boy!!!!

we had our court date this morning and the kids are officially ours. the whole court thing was kinda scary, but it only took about 10 minutes so not too bad. this was by far the easiest birth experience i've ever had.