forever friends

i know a lady who has said time and time again.  we were just friends for a season.


bullshit


if you have ever been my friend you are still my friend.  you will forever have a place in my heart and I did not just love you for a season I love you forever.


I understand that not everyone is like me and that's great.  I love the fact that we are all different and have different ideas and different thoughts and different passions and dreams.  that is what makes us friends.  I want to know you and I want to be known by you.  I want to love you flaws and all and have myself be loved back flaws and all by you....yes you. 


is this not what Jesus was talking about all through the new testament. 


did he just love us for a season?


nope didn't think so

facebook

as I look on my sidebar and see all the blog links of friends that haven't posted in so long it makes me sad.  it wasn't too long ago that this was my go to place for keeping up with my friends.  sharing our lives and thoughts.


what happened?


I know for me life got busy and other, quicker, social media sites took over. 


I have a love/hate relationship with facebook.  I have installed and uninstalled it from my phone so many times in the last year it would make your head spin.  it is currently uninstalled and I have no plans (at the moment) to reinstall.

He knows

last weekend was our yearly church women's retreat and was it ever good. 


God did such a deep work in so many hearts and reminded us all of how much He truly loves us and is always there.


at the retreat they always break us up into small discussion groups after each session.  this is always done randomly and you stick with the same group after each session.  it was amazing to me (and it really shouldn't be) that God knew exactly what I needed. 


I lead a weekly women's life group at our church and was truly blessed to have 6 of my 8 ladies able to come to the retreat.  what I didn't realize until I was sitting in my retreat small group was how thankful I was to NOT have any of my life group ladies in my small group.  don't get me wrong I love sharing life with my ladies but there are times when you just need to be a part of the group and not leading the group. 


God knew, He always knows and yet it still surprises me when He shows me even a small kindness.

she is me, i am her

every Tuesday night my lady friends come over and we eat and talk about Jesus and share life together.  I have no words for how much I love and need each and everyone of these ladies.  they are funny, quirky, serious, thoughtful, and lovely. 


last night a new lady joined our group and I realized this morning she is me and I am her.  you see she is new, she has never gone to church, she has finally realized after all these years and much loss and pain and joy and happiness that she cannot live without Jesus and she wants to do life with my small group. 


18 years ago I was this woman.  after much loss and pain and joy and happiness I realized i needed Jesus. I couldn't live without Him.


she is hungry so very very hungry for Jesus.  she can't live without Him.

missing

I've missed you bloggy

that is all for now

missionary girl

I can't believe it has been 2 years since I have posted.

not sure why I've been silent this long.

first and foremost this blog has always been my way to somehow document the simple events of my life.  my thoughts and feelings and insights. 

my last post was about my daughter so let me make this first post back about her.

my beautiful daughter is currently serving her first long term mission in the Philippines. 

I cannot describe how hard it was to leave her at the airport knowing I won't see her for the next 7 months.  if something happens I can't get to her....she is totally on her own.  she is so incredibly brave and I am so incredibly proud. 

momma was right

as much as i hate to admit that, but my momma was right about a lot of things.  right now she is right about how hard it is to let your children transition from childhood to adulthood.   

colleen had a terrible, rotten, no good horrible day on tuesday and there was nothing i could do about it. 

let me rephrase that - i could have done the wrong thing and jumped in and made it all better for the moment but then she wouldn't have learned anything. 

i have to admit. i'm having a hard time with this. this letting go and letting her make her own decisions. but i have to let her succeed and fail and the only way to do that is to let her go.

big sigh

the quilting bee

every wednesday i go to a quilting bee at my local quilters guild.  i know it sounds so old fashioned but it is such good therapy.  i absolutely love it and even turned down a promotion at my job because i would have to give up my wednesdays at the guild.  i need these ladies and i feel sure they need me.  you see i am the baby of the group.  i'm 43 and i am the youngest member by 15 years.  the next youngest member is in her late 50's and our oldest member is 93.

when i joined the guild last year i was expecting to encounter all this wisdom and knowledge and grandmotherly love.  i expected these ladies to be founts of grace learned from a lifetime of trials and hardships and laughter and child rearing.  i expected to sit at their feet and glean from them everything i need to age gracefully.  i did find this but i also found that women are women no matter where you are or how old you are.

to a small degree i have found insecurities, pettiness, jealousy's, hurt feelings, loneliness, and greed.  how could this be.  how could these women not be everything i wanted them to be.  how could these ladies not have it all figured out by now.  i so wanted them to have all the answers but sadly they don't and they never will.    

to a bigger degree i have found love and acceptance for just who i am.  i have found ladies who love to laugh, tell jokes and argue about politics and the state of the world today.  i have found a community.  a community of women who still care and want what they do to matter.  they take pride in the work of their hands and love sharing that gift with others.  at 43 i have found a place where i belong. 

peaceful easy feeling

since last Sunday i have had this peaceful easy feeling.  yes i know thats an eagles song and i love me some eagles.   their words just perfectly describe what i'm feeling right now.  i am still exhausted from the women's retreat but its a physical exhaustion and not a mental one.  normally i feel completely rung out after retreat but this year was different.  not sure why and i'm not gonna question it too much.  i'm just gonna enjoy this peace and thank God for all he did in my heart and the hearts of my sisters this past weekend. 

and then there were two

i knew this day would come but i wasn't prepared for the suddenness of it.  as of last night cliff is back with his mom.  the nephew that i have loving raised for 4 years is no longer in my home.  i will still see him but its not the same.  how do you suddenly switch gears? 

some may not agree with our decision but to be honest there is no compelling reason to not let him go.  my sister is as stable as she will ever be and finally at a place where it will just be her and him.  he craves his mother's attention and affection and i pray she will be able to give him what he needs. 

but in the meantime i will pray for my heart to heal and for his questions to be answered. 

its all worth it

yesterday Colleen and i went to a baby shower.  the new momma had a big list of books on her registry and i was pleased to see Colleen's favorite bedtime book on the list.  so of course i bought it.

after the shower we had a big conversation about what books i used to read to her before bed.  when i mentioned one her favs that happened to be my least fav, she had to giggle about how much she made me read it to her.  its not my fav because it has singing parts in it and they are not just regular singing parts they are animal singing parts. 

so when i woke up this morning this is the note i found  (get some tissue...just saying)

"Sing to me my own song." he said "you have the most beautiful voice in all the whole wide world.  Sing me my own song"  excerpt from A Song for Little Toad

I love you soooo much.  You are the most amazing mother ever!  I don't think anyone could do just as well as you did.  As i read this book i thought of how you raised me in your own way, not how others told you too.  and i  couldn't be more thankful for it!

I love you so much!

(don't cry too much :)

thanks for 18 AMAZING years!

Colleen - your little toad :) 

its times like these that remind you its all worth it.  every tear, every heartache, every battle, every victory.

sabbath rest

God really knew what He was doing when he commanded us to take a day off. 

after my most horrible, awful, terrible no good week i took saturday off. 

totally off.

i read a book and it was glorious.

pulling weeds

after the rainstorm on tuesday night i had quite a few weeds spring up in my yard. my first thought was to just mow them down...then i thought they'll just grow back stronger and bigger than before. so last night i got out the hose and soaked the ground really well and this morning before it got to hot i went out to pull weeds.

the most dreaded of childhood chores. pulling weeds ranked right up there with picking beans and gathering pecans. which i would swear on a stack of bibles we must of had 1 million bean plants and at least that many pecans in our yard each fall.

now i know a million preachers have preached it and at least a million people have heard it but God really does speak to you while you are doing the most mundane tasks. if we will only listen and apply what He says. its as if He has provided the chores as mini life lessons. i am the type of person that has to see it then do it to learn it. so just sitting in church and listening to the Word only takes me so far. i have to then go out and do it in the real world. so my challenge is this the next time you have a chore that really needs to be done and you really don't want to do it ask God to speak to you. ask Him what you could possibly learn from this sink full of dirty dishes. i think you just might be surprised. i know i am.

i not only pulled the weeds in my yard this morning but i was able to pull up some spiritual weeds that have been choking the life out of me. now my challenge is to keep them pulled. they will try to come back but if i catch them when they are small and soak the ground really well i have no doubt God will give me His strength to pull them out.

God wants you to know

Before the beginning of time, I knew you. I knew what color your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried the image of you in My eyes, for you were created in my image. Before the beginning of time I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens, and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart.

You are Mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than the ocean. You are My pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of My hand. I love you even in the face of your failure.

Nothing you say or do can cause Me to stop loving you. I am relentless in My pursuit of you.

Run from Me--I will love you.
Spurn Me--I will love you.
Reject yourself--I will love you.

You see My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary.

When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence.

You are beautiful, and I take pleasure in you--heart, mind, and body.

You are My desire.

When you turn your head in shame and despise what i have made, still I reach for you with gentle passion. You are My beloved and I am yours.


adapted from 1 John 3:2, Isaiah 43:4, Matthew 13:46, Ephesians 1:4, Revelation 13:8, Psalm 194:4, Song of Solomon 7:10; 6:3 by Regina Franklin

shes done

i was just checking my blog and couldn't believe my last post was at the beginning of the school year and it was about my daughter.

here it is the end of the school year and she has graduated. no more high school. no more notes to write. no more school assemblies and trips. no more permission slips. no more parent teacher conferences.

the days go slowly but the years fly.

as she sleeps...

...i can see the baby she was 17 years ago.

...i can imagine her future as she steps to the edge of adulthood.

...i can pray she will never change and allow the world to make her hard.

...i can hope the hopes that all mothers hope for.

...i can wish she still listened to veggie tales and not hard core christian metal.

...i can dream for her.

my labor of love

i have recently taken up quilting. about a year ago i decided i needed a new hobby. i have always sewn but nothing was really getting me stirred up. when i really searched my heart i realized i wanted to do something that would have a legacy. i wanted to make something that my children and someday wayyyyy in the future my grandchildren would use.


i still have several quilts that my grandmother and 1st mother-in-law made me and they get more and more special everytime i use them. or when i see one of my kids wrapped up in them. at my granny's house she didn't own any blankets that i remember all she had was quilts and we used them for everything.


so about a year ago i decided to start making quilts....it couldn't be that hard right? right! i quickly learned there was so much more to quilting that just sewing a top together. the piecing is just the start then you have to be concerned about battings and needles and thread and backings and sashings and borders and marking pens or pencils and on and on and on and on. so in my quest i found and have joined a quilters guild. i am the youngest member at 42 the next youngest lady is 66 and the oldest lady is 91. we get together every wednesday and have an old fashioned quilting bee.


right after joining the group i was asked by a lovely young woman if i could make her a quilt. i of course said yes. she had just lost her 5 month old baby girl and couldn't part with any of her clothes but knew she couldn't hang on to all these clothes. her first thought was could a quilt be made out of them. after looking at what she had i decided we could make a heirloom quilt from the baby's cotton dresses but she still had a whole lot of onesies and such and she really wanted something she could hang on to and cry on and sleep with and just have with her at all times. My quilting friend Linda made the heirloom quilt and i made the other two.

this is mom's rag quilt. i took 5" by 5" squares from the baby's onesies and you turn the seams outward to create a rag effect.

this is the heirloom quilt from all the cotton clothes

and then for the dad i made a t-shirt quilt from all the little onesies he had bought.

encouragement

i am realizing that encouragement is a very delicate thing. most people encourage you with what they think you should do in a given situation. in reality you must do what God wants you to do. and to do that and encourage that may not sound like encouragment at all. sometimes the best encouragement you can give is silent and the best love is without guilt.

and then began to beat again

this is a most special day to me.

today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.

when mark and i prayed about what day we would wed i felt God whisper in my heart "you always felt your life ended on may 2nd so your new life will begin on may 3rd."

such a sweet God to think of everything, even the perfect day to get married.

the day my heart stopped

today is the day 21 years ago that my heart stopped. it took quite a few years for it to start beating again. but it did and i'm glad. i wouldn't trade my life now for anything, but sometimes i wonder. what would my life have been like if my first husband had lived.

how many children would we have had?

what kind of life would we be living?

would we even still be married? next year would be our 25th wedding anniversary.

so many questions.

the fact remains that he did not survive, he went to meet Jesus on may 2, 1989 and be with our 2 babies in heaven.

i believe you can't live through something like this and not have it change you forever. the choice is always how will it change you, for better or worse. i believe i have been changed for the good. death made me hard at first, like a protective shell, but as time went on the shell grew soft and finally fell away.

but i still remember especially on this day.